7 Things You Don't Know About Me (But Were Afraid To Ask)
1. I’m 40.
No one ever believes this. On Twitter people will often assume they have 10 years on me but it will turn out they are 5-10 years my junior. (See how old I am? I say things like “10 years my junior”.) They have come to the conclusion that I am in my early twenties. I like to think my iPhone and sophomoric wit keep me young.
In their defense I assume everyone on Twitter is 25 until I get more information. Talk about going to class instead of work, then 21. Mention your kids, then 32. Mention your kid is in college, 45. Grandkids? Well, that I don’t hear often. It’s not a bad rule of thumb.
It has always been this way. I was still getting carded at 38. I’ve had people look at my resume and say, but how were you working there in 1993? I blame my babyface. I assure you the portrait hanging in my house does not look so young.
2. I don’t like chocolate.
I used to like it as much as the next guy, but no more. I can still remember the day I realized I didn’t like it any more.
I was 24, living in Alphabet City in Manhattan. I had a day off and stopped to get the Daily News and a KitKat at a bodega across from Our Lady of Something-or-other on 1st Avenue. While I read my paper on the steps, I suddenly realized I didn’t like the KitKat. It tasted correct, but I didn’t like it any more. And KitKats were my favorite before that. I’ve pretty much avoided chocolate ever since.
People find this to be crazy. They question it. How could this be? But really, try this really good super-premium chocolate. It’s like they’re all from the Chocolate Church of Latter Day Saints and have to evangelize about chocolate. No, thanks. It will just go to waste. People calm down when they realize there is more chocolate for them.
3. I can’t drink alcohol any more.
And believe me I was good at it. I figure I had a nice career in drinking from 18-38. I look at it like a promising young rookie right out of high school who goes right up to the big leagues, has a long career, but gets an injury late in his career and is forced into retirement.
That I was a fun guy to drink with is probably something many people already figured. I didn’t stop because I had a drinking problem, and after reading Neil Steinberg’s Drunkard, I’m more convinced than ever that I didn’t have a problem. But I liked it. A lot.
I stopped because I suddenly developed a very bad stomach acid problem. Along with the alcohol, out went the caffiene, oranges and tomatoes. Alcohol and oranges were the easiest. Alcohol hurt so much immediately that I very quickly lost all taste for it. Oranges were equally as fast. It took me two months to get down to under one cup of coffee, but two more months to get to zero coffee. 18 months later I still want it some days. Tomatoes are the only one I cheat on. I’m Italian, so giving up the sauce is just too hard. I have it every few months, very early in the day so I’ve got a shot of going to bed at midnight.
It surprises me I don’t miss drinking more. But on the other hand I’ve got lots of designated driver karma to repay.
4. I don’t drive.
Well, I do - I have a license, except I never do. There are probably a few factors in this:
- I don’t like driving. When I learned to drive at 16, we had a behemoth diesel station wagon, and I had to drive my sister and I to school every day through the worst traffic. Driving was a responsibility, a chore. The only upside was control of the tape deck to torture my sister with Blue Oyster Cult. (She can still sing some of those old songs, whether she ever wanted to or not.)
- I can read anywhere. Car, bus, train, plane - everywhere. I always have. And I love to read. So letting someone else drive so I can read seems just fine with me. When I left home, I prioritized living in an area with very good public transportation, and it never lets me down. And in winter I don’t have to warm it up, dig it out, or scrape it clean.
- The Wife doesn’t much care for how other people drive, me included. She’d rather just do all the driving. So we get along fine. I read my book or paper (or now Twitter), which cuts down on any opportunities for backseat driving.
5. I can read anywhere except one place that lots of other people do.
Lots of people like to read in the bathroom. Hell, the subplot to How I Met Your Mother was about reading in the bathroom this week. Not me. I go in, do my business, and get out.
Along the same lines, I don’t tweet from the bathroom. Well, not yet. Maybe someday. But seriously, if I say I’m tweeting from the bathroom, I’m probably just pretending to because I think it will get more laughs.
6. Cell phones aren’t for talking.
I own an iPhone but I never, ever talk on it. In the six months I’ve had it, my total talk time is 3 hours, 5 minutes. I’ve always hated talking on cell phones and will do whatever I can to move the conversation to a landline, or better yet in person. I’ve never liked cell phones, but I love the tiny portable computer aspect. And the music is nice too. But the killer app to me is the internet - the web, email, and yes, Twitter.
I never liked cell phones. Maybe because I’m old. Maybe because until two years ago the only reason I had one was for work, and if I was using it meant more work at an inconvenient time. I don’t miss being on call. I think my feelings about cell phones are like my feelings about driving. It started as a chore, so how could it be a thrill now?
7. It irritates me that they leave doors open on TV or in the movies.
I don’t have OCD, and while I joke about being a #grammarnazi sometimes on Twitter, I don’t obsess about it. But it does bother me when, say on The Big Bang Theory, they don’t shut the door to their apartment. I adore that show (and am ashamed to admit that I try to follow all the science and nerd stuff they discuss), but when someone walks in and doesn’t close the door behind them, I just keep thinking, Close the door! The door! Maybe I overidentify as though they had just walked into my apartment. I suppose you’ll know I’m really old if I start shouting Close the damn door! I’m not paying to heat the hall!
So there are seven things you didn’t know. And now that I’ve got this space (thanks to @kariedwards for roping me into this meme), I’m thinking maybe I should do a seven things you should know about me for people who just started following. Only seems fair, right?
Also under the rules of this game, I have to tag some people to write their own seven, and frankly this doesn’t thrill me because many of my usual suspects have already been tagged by others. But since I haven’t seen anything from these ones yet, below is my list. And if they’ve been tagged but haven’t written yet, what, really, is the harm?
@AprilSTL - I think she’s been tagged already, but I don’t see any post. And why wouldn’t she have been tagged? She’s awesome.
@katkuhl - she roped me into her Flickr meme last week, so fair is fair. UPDATED: Here’s her 7 things.
@HotAmishChick - I know who’s behind this, but I want to see her or him pull it off in character. Don’t we all want to see this?
@lemonchiffon - she makes comedy mountains out of minutiae.
@JohnnyBTruant - and to think this guy toiled in ignorance of Favrd until last month. So sad. So sad. UPDATED: Here’s his 7 things.
@jamield - the only person on my Twitter short-list I’ve met in real life. Maybe one of her things can be whether it’s an I as in Idiot or L as in Lame in her user ID, since no one can tell that in Arial. UPDATED: Here’s her 7 things.
@krgaskins - one thing that is not a secret is her mad devotion to Missed Connections on Craigslist. UPDATED: Here’s her 7 things.
UPDATE: Wait! While I was posting, @AprilSTL tagged me and will probably claim no-tag-backs or some other rule. So I’ll add @naturallygeeky in her place. I hope she knows what an honor that is. Also I see @baileygenine tagged me too. Hooray for peer pressure.
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