April 2011
51 posts
1 tag
Which was longer— the train on Kate’s dress, or the pre-nup they made her sign?
“iPhone 4 in white is here. Finally.” Really, Apple, that’s worth...”
“BREAKING: Trump caught using copy of Obama’s birth certificate to steal...”
“I haven’t wished you happy birthday on Facebook yet because I can’t...”
BREAKING: Fox News verifies Obama’s birth certificate, announces full support for president’s agenda. Teaparty disbands.
April fool!
“Donald Trump: Obama benefited from affirmative action, which is un-American....”
“Special 90-minute episode of Glee on tonight, though I’ll bet it’s...”
“Oprah announced after her show ends she wants to star in a Broadway play. But...”
“If you want to hear about a really complicated, mind-blowing thriller, have a...”
Can't concentrate. Trying to contemplate what a... →
Chicago Hair Theft: Human Hair Stolen From Beauty Supply Company
CHICAGO — Chicago police have a real head-scratching case on their hands as they try to root out who stole human hair from a beauty-supply company.
Police say the theft of what they consider a “very valuable” amount of hair was taken early Sunday by burglars of the Beauty One shop.
Authorities say the culprits...
“With All My Children canceled, my mother-in-law will have nothing to do in...”
“C’mon, man, you smell like you’ve been in a cave for 3 days.”
– ad for Resurrection Deodorant, The Messiah Your Man Could Smell Like.
“He who dips a chip in dip after I do will betray me this night.”
“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And deodorant. Make sure your...”
1 tag
I went to Steve’s Deli at lunch today, but didn’t see anyone from the tweetup.
“The smell from this broken sewer pipe is bad. So bad in fact that I saw a dog...”
Every time I make a project timeline I always put a disclaimer at the bottom:
*assuming The Rapture has not occurred by this date
Etiquette question:
What’s the polite way to tell someone “You’ve suffered a psychotic break”?
You know you're a pussy when the phlebotomist...
It’s probably also not great when you can use phlebotomist properly in a sentence.
1 tag
“The problem with evolution is you’re never around to see it.”
“Just sent in my taxes. Expecting a big refund since the accountant I used said...”
MySpace Tom sent me a friend request today. He’s really struggling: “I’m trying to get some part-time hours at Borders to make ends meet.”
2 tags
1 tag
“It’s a replica of a 1935 prize-winning pickle.”
– @drivewaydrinker, regarding that thing in his avatar
1 tag
IF YOU WANT TO BE INSTANTLY RECOGNIZED AT A...
Then eschew the nametag provided and print out your avatar at 3 ft. by 3 ft.,
Then mount it on a sandwich board,
Write a few of your best tweets underneath,
And wear only the sandwich board.
You will be an instant legend.
“BREAKING: Brett Favre announced he’s “throwing my hat in the ring...”
“BREAKING: Hall & Oates tour canceled because both think they are the...”
Rex Huppke’s Tips For First-Time Tweet-Up...
rexhuppke:
I’ve noticed from posts on The Tumblr and on The Twitter that some of you are a little anxious about this weekend’s tweet-up. To help allay any fears, and to provide a lasting guide for future tweet-up first-timers, I’ve compiled the following list of tips. Feel free to share this with your family and friends.
Rex Huppke’s Tips For First-Time Tweet-Up Attendees
1) IT’S OK TO BE...
“People, Glenn Beck didn’t get fired from FoxNews. He is ending the show to...”
“BREAKING: Another Southwest plane found with hole. Southwest denies...”
RIP Justin Bieber
Please join me in starting this rumor on Twitter.
“The FAA grounded several Southwest Airlines planes because of holes in the roof....”
NOTE: If you don’t specify an engraving for your iPad 2, the default is “I’m better than you.”
“Oh, crap! I forgot to buy Little Fockers at Blockbuster on the way home. Maybe...”
“President Obama is running for a second term. He texted to tell me today....”
Dear Science Channel,
9 year old reruns of FireFly are not “all-new”. Please stop calling them that. They aren’t even a little new.
Joe
I can't believe Charlie Sheen let himself be...
Isn’t he worried about the example he sets?
Watching An Idiot Abroad
You know, the show with the guy from the Ricky Gervais Show. And all I can think is “would the show be any different with Sarah Palin instead of Karl Pilkington?” I’m pretty sure it would not be.
What do you think?
BREAKING: Sarah Palin admits she’s a liberal plant. “My job was to make conservatives look ridiculous. Like Colbert, but not articulate. …I’m not sure what Michelle Bachman is doing.”
“BREAKING: @charliesheen announced he’ll follow everyone back on Twitter....”
“Did you know a dime has 119 ridges around it’s edge? April Fools it only...”
– status from my friend Chris this morning 