THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVER! Yes, that’s right: The follow-up to my smash debut single is finally here! I only made one copy, though, so you guys are gonna have to take turns. Cool? Cool. I hope you like it!
I’ve noticed from posts on The Tumblr and on The Twitter that some of you are a little anxious about this weekend’s tweet-up. To help allay any fears, and to provide a lasting guide for future tweet-up first-timers, I’ve compiled the following list of tips. Feel free to share this with your family and friends.
Rex Huppke’s Tips For First-Time Tweet-Up Attendees
1) IT’S OK TO BE NERVOUS: Hey, everyone gets some butterflies now and then. And in this case, you have every reason to be nervous. Terrified, in fact. You’re about to walk blindly into a room filled with dozens of strangers who are likely better looking, smarter, funnier and more socially adept than you, and a majority of them will say mean things about you behind your back. Or possibly to your face! Plus, knowing you, there’s a reasonable chance you’re going to do something embarrassing, like make a joke no one thinks is funny or possibly pee your pants (see Item No. 3 below for more on this). So don’t feel bad about feeling nervous. Just be very, very afraid.
2) PROPER ATTIRE: Do not wear pants, shorts, skirts, skorts or any form of undergarment. It’s a rarely advertised tradition at tweet-ups to wear no clothing below the waist. There are two reasons for this. The first is it makes it easier, in most cases, for people to tell if you’re male or female. Also, in the often steamy confines of a crowded bar room, having your genitalia fully exposed acts as “nature’s air conditioner.” (This has only caused one problem in the past, at a tweet-up in Boston, when a man’s nether regions caught on fire, though many in attendance said afterwards that it was really more of a controlled burn.)
3) BODILY FUNCTIONS: Do not pee. Nobody urinates at tweet-ups. Ever. Bathrooms will be locked. (I don’t believe anyone on Twitter poops, so that’s not addressed here.)
4) PERSONAL SAFETY: If you engage in conversation with @sween, be careful. While his Twitter persona is charming and boyishly mischievous, the odds are that at some point in the evening he will attempt to fight you. The best course of action should you find yourself met by his steely gaze is to bring up the subject of Ewoks. That will redirect his rage toward George Lucas, allowing you time to either jump out a window or pull the fire alarm.
5) PERSONAL SAFETY PART II: A recent FBI study of nationwide crime statistics found that 1 out of every 3 people is either a serial killer or has engaged in some form of deviant, cross-species sexual act. (For Canadians, the figure is 1 out of every 10. They’re a much more decent people.) This means that by spending an evening in a room full of complete strangers, there’s a reasonable chance a part of your body will end up on a meat slicer in a nearby deli, being sold as prosciutto, or in the rectum of a goat. Best bet is to arm yourself, look as non-delicious as possible and make no movements that might be perceived as sexy to livestock.
6) EATING: If @goldengateblond offers you a yellow sno-cone, do not, under any circumstances, accept it. She has found a loophole in Item No. 3.
7) HUMOR: Contrary to what you see on Twitter, nobody at tweet-ups thinks jokes about bacon or poop or zombies or Nickelback or Sarah Jessica Parker or hipsters or goths or Charlie Sheen are actually funny. It’s a very serious crowd, and you’d be wise to brush up on your knowledge of Elizabethan poetry and the bond market. Quips about the Pythagorean theorem are always good for a chortle.
8) RELAXING: Don’t relax. Not for a moment. If you let your guard down for so much as a second, the night will swiftly eclipse the embarrassment of your senior prom, first date and wedding night combined. This is serious. Stay focused. Eye of the tiger.
9) HAVE FUN!: Don’t. It’s going to be just awful.
Hope this helps. Can’t wait to see everyone Saturday night. I’ll be judging you!
In honor of the fact that today is a) Friday and b) officially one week until #CHSH, I am proud to present you all with this touching, tweetup-themed musical tribute to America’s most beloved recording artist, Rebecca Black.
It took me about an hour to make, which is about how long I assume it took them to make the original song, too.