February 2011
37 posts
“I just mistook a Navy commercial for The Colbert Report. Don’t laugh;...”
“My dog hasn’t always been lazy. It’s just that he’s never been...”
“How can you tell if someone’s really old? They’re still writing out...”
January 2011
55 posts
Which is a bigger mockery of an actual NFL game— the Lingere Bowl or the Pro Bowl?
Memento is an hour in.
If I start watching now, will I be confused?
NASA needs to pick better pilots. I mean that Challenger guy crashed into THIN AIR!
What, too soon?
“CORRECTION: The government didn’t shut down the internet in Egypt;...”
“CORRECTION: The government didn’t shut down the internet in Egypt;...”
I hate to break it to you people,
but we’re all listed in Tumblweeds under #overcapacity, #offlineformaintenance, and #pleasebepatient. All the other directories don’t matter.
“Open your eyes, people! The Three Little Pigs was written by bricklayers.”
Michele Bachmann Proposes "Don't Add, Don't Spell" →
This man is a genius!
Rep. Bachmann called the proposal “a reflection of core Tea Party values” and said it would “deliver the American people from the tyranny of arithmetic, spelling, and punctuation.”
In addition to “Don’t Add, Don’t Spell,” Rep. Bachmann suggested slashing the Federal budget by eliminating nine of the first ten Amendments...
My new favorite site -- Things Real People Don't...
tpdsaa:
Submitted by http://indierockcombover.com/
“BREAKING: Illinois court kicks Rahm off the ballot unless he can prove he...”
“Damn it! I’m still writing “Bears win” on my checks.”
My lucky Bears underwear is getting a bit rank. I’m not sure I can keep wearing them without washing until the Super Bowl, but I’ll try!
“There’s a coupon for free oatmeal in the salads.”
– If there’s a more macho statement than that, I haven’t heard it.
“Maybe it’s just me, but I find it hard to be insulted by someone who says...”
Joe Lieberman announced he won’t be running for reelection in 2012: “There’s just no party left for me to defect to.”
“We may not have jetpacks, but we have burritos in bowls. Oh, what a bold, bright...”
Here's the story and video from my appearance on... →
CBS2 just interviewed me about the Bears for the...
A follow up to last year’s frustrated fan story. Tune in & check it out.
“Does anyone on Twitter know where I can get a free iPad or iPhone? If so, DM me....”
“Nobody gives a rambling, ill conceived, poorly delivered speech celebrating a...”
– My friend Jason, on the Golden Globes
“We complain “how dare they play the music during that actor’s...”
Am I the only one who noticed that DeNiro’s retrospective didn’t include any Fockers, even though they showed a movie that isn’t even out yet?
My wife finally figured out who she's cheering for...
She’s cheering against the team with an Elizabeth Hasselbeck relative. True story.
Are you kidding me, Menards?
No one found it odd that your MLK Day sale is called “Crazy Days Sale”?
New commercial for Reince Priebus.
Person A: Hey, watch where you're going! You got tax cuts in my hypocrisy.
Person B: no, you got hypocrisy in my tax cuts.
Person A: Hey, this goes great together.
“Chicagoans, I have renamed the Eisenhower Expressway. From now on please refer...”
“I’m so old, I can remember when people born on May 23rd were considered...”
“Under the revised zodiac signs, Obama is a cancer. The scary part is that Glenn...”
“Friends With Benefits might sound great, but when you get dumped, COBRA is...”
Reasons to preempt Modern Family:
Nuclear weapons have been launched. Make your time.
Aliens have landed. For reals, dude.
That is all. Everything else can wait until the 10:00 news.
President Obama, take note.
Is a sitting Colin Firth taller than a standing...
Also, who’s dreamier?
Every year just when Santa gets his boots off, takes off his belt, lies back in his massage chair, opens his beer, and unwinds, Mrs. Claus reminds him about Orthodox Christmas. Greek, Serbian, Russian— they all want their kid’s presents 14 days after everyone else.
“Damn Orthodox!” he says. “Let’s just give them all Gregorian calendars and be done with...
Under new NFL overtime rules:
If a team scores on the first possession, the opposing team will get a chance to score until all commercials have been aired.
Project Football
V: How did the Saints do?
Me: They lost.
V: What does that mean?
Me: That means they're out-- they don't get to make a collection and they don't get to go to Bryant Park.
Need your help!
justirish:
My friend Ty did this awesome spot for Doritos.
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! Tynesha Williams needs your vote because nobody hits anybody in the groin in her commercial. There’s no nekkid girl, either. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET ON THE SUPER BOWL WITHOUT THAT?
And besides all this, she’s like the nicest person on the planet. You can vote once a day for the month of January. Sure...
Coworker: I'm planning a trip to Vietnam.
Me: Do you have an exit strategy?
“I’m hungry. So I went in to a diner and ordered a “your brain on...”
“First they came for the birds,
and I said nothing.
Then they came for the...”
“Forget Jersey Shore— the best reality TV will be the presidential debate...”
Did anyone think to ask if all those birds were in...
