May 2009
154 posts
1 tag
“Scantron has to be the lamest Decepticon. What kid wants a robot that changes...”
– @ECByrd, Tweet of the Day runner-up, May 29, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
“Phil Spector gets 19 years to life, but his hair goes unpunished. Justice?”
– @AprilSTL, Tweet of the Day, May 29, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
@JamieLD memorial in LA tonight
At the service her friend Emma will be reading the post she wrote about Jamie. Emma is the friend Jamie went to Ireland with the week before she died. The post is very nice, and I recommend it.
Jamie Dyer Dordek’s Los Angeles Memorial Service Friday, May 29th, 2009 Service begins at 7PM SLS Hotel Garden Room 465 S. La Cienega Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90048 In lieu of flowers, the family...
At the risk of being jumped on by people, I say...
ronbailey:
indefensible:
Because when you employ this line of thinking, it invites comparison with other human behaviours that people are arguably born into, but that society has no compunction in regulating and banning. To put this in your opponents hands is to pitch them a wonderful slowball that they will smack out of the park by saying “nobody chooses to be a pedophile either.”
The...
1 tag
“If Sotomayor would just sing a rousing rendition of “I Dreamed a...”
– @Kathy_L, Tweet of the Day, May 28, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
Question for @Tony_D
So, delgrosso, the question on everyone’s mind? How about it?
What question? Why of course, while you were away from Tumblr, did your Tumblarity drop to zero?
How not to talk about it.
texburgher:
You know when, at the bathroom sink at work, there’s water pooling up near the counter’s edge? And as you lean against it to wash your hands, your pants soak it up, making it look like you peed into a hidden trough inside your drawers, except that the trough tipped over and spilled? And then you’re blotting, paper towels both inside and outside your pants, trying to remove - or at...
I'm still laughing about this Peaches sung by Miss... →
Thanks to @dannisaur I’ve got the song on my iPhone now, and I’m loving it.
coining a new phrase
inthefade:
twitter bukkake
When the majority of friends in your timeline retweet the same thing in a short period of time.
May also be called twitterkakke.
I know this feeling. I see it even more in Tumblr. Is there a name for who the person who tweeted/tumblrd the orignal? You know, so we could use it in a sentence - “Everyone just bukkaked PiscesInPurple’s AIDS quote” -...
“Michael Hausauer, a psychotherapist in Oakland, Calif., said teenagers had a...”
– Texting May Be Taking a Toll on Teenagers - NYTimes.com (via texburgher)
True, because 25 (or so) years ago when I was a teen, kids almost never cared what other teens were doing, worried about being out of the loop, or prattled on about the minutiae of their lives. They just did their homework and...
1 tag
“If meetings were like sex, I’d be the Wilt Chamberlin of account planning.”
– @Kid_Capricorn, Tweet of the Day honorable mention, May 27, 2009
Nice analogy, though I think I’ve got him beat.
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
“The road to good hair is paved with bad extensions.”
– @blondediva11, Tweet of the Day runner-up, May 27, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
“It takes the Village People to raise a fabulous child.”
– @AngleofAttack, Tweet of the Day, May 27, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
1 tag
Dinner at BJ's?
My brother reports he was invited to dinner at a place called BJ’s. Then right when he walked in, he was told “no jokes”. No jokes! What’s the point of even going to such a place if you can’t make jokes? That would have been like the Wienermobile offering me a ride and saying “no jokes” (thankfully they had no such rule, and here are the results of my...
1 tag
1 tag
Morning bedroom scene
Alarm Clock: MAH! MAH! MAH!
Me: ...
Alarm Clock: MAH! MAH! MAH!
Me: ...already?
Alarm Clock: MAH! MAH! MAH!
Me: 5 more minutes?
Alarm Clock: MAH! MAH! MAH!
Me: Who died and made you king?
Alarm Clock: MAH! MAH! MAH!
Me: OK. I'm up. I'm UP!
Alarm Clock: ...
Me: Yeah, you're not so great, mister.
1 tag
1 tag
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses and iPhone.”
– @inkedmn, Tweet of the Day, May 26, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
Words I Didn't Want to Hear Today:
inmi:
“So, your sister is thinking of firing her maid of honor, so… that’ll be you now, mmkay?”
Is this a performance-based firing or a layoff? I heard they were downsizing the wedding because of the economic situation. Everyone has to step up and do more with less. The groom himself is doing double duty as one of his groomsmen. And Father of the Bride has to ush as well.
1 tag
2009 Aspen Rooftop Comedy Festival Awards →
atsween:
[Begin suppression of self-pimp gag reflex.]
Best Comedy Twitter
Awarded by the Rooftop Comedy Academy to the best and funniest Twitter users. Votes will be accepted on Twitter from 5/26 noon PDT through 6/1 noon PDT. Vote for your favorite by tweeting their name to @RooftopComedy!
Nominees:
Paul F. Tompkins - (PFTompkins)
Aziz Ansari - (azizansari)
Doug Benson -...
On exposing plagiarists
I guess now I’ll have to limit my stealing of @ersatzmoe’s jokes to MySpace IM and chat during Facebook Scrabble games.
1 tag
Humility
srslainey:
(n.) a disposition to be humble; a lack of false pride.
I am striving for this. I’m learning a lot from your mistakes and my own. It’s easy to get carried away with all this.
Taking a break.
Is Humility the scoring system of a site called Humblr?
So apparently Tumblr now counts deleted drafts against your daily quota of asking questions on Tumblr. So screw it! I’m going back to MySpace*.
*Don’t start. I was never actually on MySpace.
Damn it! Now I want this Peaches song. Who will rapidshare it to me?
1 tag
1 tag
Counting my blessings
wife
family
job
Twitter
when SkyNet takes over in 2018, we’ll have Batman on OUR side
1 tag
“My life right now is a struggle between wanting a baby and not wanting to get...”
– @myracles, Tweet of the Day, May 22, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
1 tag
On owning it.
frageelaytwit:
It’s okay to be proud of your work, whatever that work may be. Well, maybe not killing prostitutes or running over squirrels, but let’s just say you’re nominated for a comedy award for the funny things you say on Twitter.
It’s good to be proud of that. It’s even good to promote it.
A trial attorney I trained under once told me that jurors have excellent instincts and good...
Spit-up
monkeyfrog:
I don’t really care what you call it. I have been vomited on and spit up on, and I can tell you that from the point of the vomitee or spit upee, there is a huge fucking difference.
Amen. And I have never once heard someone say a baby “vomited”. Though I suppose I can see indefensible’s point if we consider that all his experience is with Australian babies, with their...
1 tag
“I AM GOING TO POP A CAPSLOCK IN YOUR ASCII”
– @biblicone, Tweet of the Day runner-up, May 21, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
“I tried to kill a spider and only maimed one of its legs before it escaped. Now...”
– @lukeinvan, Tweet of the Day, May 21, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
Palin Wisdom
summersumz:
“If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex,” says Bristol. “Trust me. Nobody.”
Um, fer serious an 18 year old didn’t understand that unprotected sex could result in pregenancy??? Gosh, you’d think she lived in Alaska or was part of some weird religious cult or something.
Oh, right, my bad.
Oh, there’s plenty more gems in that article:
The...
1 tag
Actual conversation from work
D: What happened on American Idol last night?
J: Someone won. I think.
H: I think it was someone who sang.
1 tag
1 tag
“2B or not 2B. That is the pencil.”
– @lisarahmat, Tweet of the Day runner-up, May 20, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
“I don’t need any new friends. I barely have time to talk behind the backs...”
– @firstwifeofwu, Tweet of the Day, May 20, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
“Nobody puts Swayze in a coffin.”
– @sexysadie, Tweet of the Day, May 19, 2009
And check out the complete list of picks for Tweet of the Day
Apologies to blondes
My wife loves to tell this joke:
Two blondes are watching the evening news. “A Brazillian soldier was killed in fighting today.”
“Oh, my. That’s awful.”
“Yes, just terrible.”
Long pause.
“Wait! How many is a brazillian?”
So we’re doing bad jokes? OK.
What do you call a parapalegic in the swimming pool?
Bob.
1 tag
Can someone explain this to me?
@weselec tweeted:
Even Oprah Winfrey joining Twitter could not stop @joeschmitt from being the Oprah Winfrey of Twitter.
I’m sure it’s a dig, but I don’t get it. I know who Oprah is, but what does it mean? Surely someone can explain it - 31 people favrd it.
1 tag
A bad joke for J-Money
eoporto:
A turtle robs a bank. a snail is the only witness.
When the police show up for questioning, the snail says, “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
This is my favorite joke and I actually think this is hilarious, but usually I’m the only one laughing.
I believe I’ve heard this before, except that it was
A snail was walking along one day and was run over by a turtle. When...
